Many thanks

.....to all my new followers, i must take to time to say thank you. 

i meant to do this a couple of weeks ago when my page view count had got to the big 1000, then i thought i`d wait til i got 100 followers . 

...in the mean time, my future body of work is split 3 ways - things i want to blog about, things i refuse to blog about and most importantly - a whole heap of stuff i cant blog about. well, not yet anyway.  maybe when i get to my twilight years. ( i`ll keep that phrase in, even though twilight years has probably taken on a whole new meaning by now..... )

of course then i get distracted, the weather warms up and the urge to plant lettuces and spinach takes over. this leads to more sunshine and one leisurely cup of tea in the sun leads to another. before i know where i am the spirit takes over and i`m back using the machines to make house music instead of blogging.

 

so in conclusion : 

1. -  the link between spinach and banging house music is indisputable.

2. -  a massive thank you to all my followers, your comments make it all worth while. i genuinely know of people who visit this site purely to read the comments. including me.

thanks for dropping by.

thanks for following.

thanks.

The Accent

anyone studying linguists would be haunted fascinated by our local accent - 

untouched for centuries and considered to be one of the oldest dialects, the harmonic tones of a black country accent beguiles and fascinates all who hear it.

any attempt at faking the accent is often met with hilarity and derision, unless of course you speak this way naturally. in which case you are stuck with the hilarity and derision and you may as well get you used to it.

enjoy .

Edit :  it`s fine to laugh at this video, it was made by the splendid team at inspectordrake on the youtube.

picture very much related. 

 kevin turvey

Facebook

I think it is safe to assume a couple of things : 

1. -  you are reading this on some internetweb enabled device, maybe a phone, maybe a laptop, maybe a shiny new tablet that cost way too much ....

2.  - you have heard of facebook.

there he is, with a face that only a mother could love.

Mark Zuckerberg

On the off chance you have not heard of facebook, no. i`m going to stop there because i cant see how that is possible. - everywhere you " go " on the vast and glorious internet these days, you see this.

find us on facebook,, really ? will that button link straight to your facebook page ? yes, yes it will, so there is no finding involved is there? point click and there it is. 

At this point you maybe thinking that i have  something against facebook. not at all, i love the potential of these things, forums and message boards have always fed the social animal that lurks in all of us. its gives the underdog a chance to be heard.

 many a time i`ve been in multi-way conversation with people i sort of know and walked away thinking " i wish i`d have said ... ", facebook gives you the opportunity to be witty and concise for anything up to a couple of days after the original statement. 

zero points for anyone who tried to click this image.

( .....if you genuinely like this post and you want to share on facebook, be my guest. )

the button is up there on the right.

i have used facebook, i cant deny it. when i do i really enjoy it, but it brings out the worst in people and that, i`m not keen on. 

there is a phrase that says : familiarity breeds contempt . facebook is living proof of this, i ended up really not liking some of the people i knew in real life. i saw a meme over on tumblr that said : facebook made me hate the people i know, but tumblr helps me love the people i dont.

Douglas Adams was way ahead of the game in 1978 with hitchikers guide to the galaxy : 

The Belcerebons of Kakrafoon Kappa had an unhappy time. Once a serene and quiet civilization, a Galactic Tribunal sentenced them to telepathy because the rest of the galaxy found peaceful contemplation contemptuous. Ford Prefect compared them to Humans because the only way Belcerebons could stop transmitting their every thought was to mask their brain activity (or its readability) by talking endlessly about utter trivia. 

...thats roughly what goes on over on facebook, endless, mindless reposting, quotes lifted off sites with genuine credibility, profound statements with no connection to reality at all. just eaten some toast have you ? fascinating. i`m going to like the post anyway, just in case you were thinking i`m not really your friend, besides i would like to be invited to one of those amazing parties that you go to and and and.....

......and relax.

there maybe 500 million users on facebook, but there is more to the internet than just mark zuckerburg`s vanity project that got out of hand. sorry to break it to you in such a harsh way, but its true.

 i offer my  services willingly to family and friends, i`ve been using the internet for a long time and have a fair idea on how to get the best out of it. - but come on people, why spend 15 minutes on the phone asking how to do something when you could have googled it.?

......breathe in....., and...out.

and finally .... 

so if you want to get in touch, please use the phone. or even - now steady on, you could always knock my door.< gasp >

comments more than welcome.

thanks for reading,  i may need to relax somewhere for a while.

Nutshell TV Review #2

The Big Bang Theory.

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state,

Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started. Wait...

The Earth began to cool,

something, something  something.

something.........we build the pyramids.

i could send you off to the official wiki of this perpetual sit-com,  but to be honest - i dont think you`ll ever come back.  have you seen how many countries this is licensed to ? i`m not suprised really, its a guaranteed formula. 

when the friends machine was broken up for spares, the mechanics went to work and reverse engineered their way into their collective accountants good books. < pun intended,  >

translation : friends finished, now we all watch this.

It may come as a shock to readers who have the good sense not to watch brain-numbing sitcom based tv -  but - believe it or not , this is not a porn film. oh no, its about 4 guys, and a girl who lives across the hall. i didnt think i`d get the geeky jokes, but the laughter track lets you know whats funny or not. its easy to overlook the mild racism, bigotry and general sociopathic behaviour when you`ve got Kaley Cuoco to look at occasionally. She gets the best lines everytime and her timing is exquisite . Not many people can get a genuine laugh with just a look.

oh dear, this is turning into a real review - quick - bailout bailout.

the episode i`ve  just watched ( for research purposes ) went like this :

  geek #1 : something,  something,  something

  geek #2 : something something halo night.

  geek #3 : something,  laptop, star trek reference < laughs > 

  geek #2 : < questions geek#3`s sexuality ><laughs>

  geek #3 : something something something darkside.<laughs>

  geek #4 : bazzinga !!<laughs>

repeat until funny.

i`m not fooling anyone here,, i love it. its full of cultural reference points and social dynamic mini-maps that can be used to communicate across generations. a bit like friends.

thanks for reading.

the benefit benefit

Good Morning jobseekers.

I`ve been claiming benefits for a couple of years now, i dont feel good about it but there it is. I trudge my way to the local interigation  jobcentre building once a fortnight and sign on the not so dotted line.

i have signed on before, a few times actually, but this is the longest i`ve been without a job for a while. i am what is commonly known as a worker. in the last 30 years i`ve been a window cleaner, a taxi driver, a barman, a bin-man, a quality control geezer, a computer technician, a white van man, afield service engineer, an audio/visual  specialist, a gardener and general all round you-name-it-i-can-do-it. i`ve spent time as a dj, a promoter, a graphic designer and councilor. i`ve taught  myself plumbing, carpentry, gardening, surface mount electronics, firmware modification, music production and stuff i probable shouldnt go into...

is any of this relevent when you claim benifits ? , no. no it isnt. I`m asked everytime : " what work have you been looking for ? ". My routine answer of "anything" does not cut the mustard with these people, 

.....step away from the rant and get to the point.

so, - after twelve months you get put on what i like to call a " youve-been-on-the-dole-far-too-long " scheme. this was introduced when the DWP was called to order on how they were structuring themselves and = - gosh = they were supposed to help people back into work and so blatantly were doing no such thing.

i can see you are getting bored now. so here`s a picture of my employment adviser when i asked about training.

the once a fortnight review sessions with < name removed for fear of reprisals >  was upped to 2 sessions a fortnight as well as signing on. , never one for keeping my mouth shut when it comes to details - i did a bit of research in preperation for last weeks review.

this is what happened, i kid you not. -

Reviewer : Hi Al, everything ok ?

Me : Not so bad thanks.

Reviewer : What have you done to look for work since i last saw you.?

Me : the usual - internet every day, asking friends, checking e-mails, getting in touch with previous ....etc etc etc.

Reviewer : Did you come in to use the computers here ?

Me : i did, but you had far too many people in a small room, i`m sure health and safety wouldnt be too pleased about that,, especially as there was no supervision.....

Reviewer..... ...... erm, ...ok. < pauses >

Reviewer : anything else you are not happy with ?

Me : well, as it happens yes, i`ve just read that the last scheme i was on has  been done for fraud on a massive scale.

Reviewer : .... < pause >,, mmmm, < checks watch >

Me : its all over the papers, you not seen it ?

Reviewer : no mr crow, no i havent.

Me : do you ever see the directors of < name removed for fear of reprisal > ? do they ever come down here ? ( i named them )

Reviewer : no actually, they dont. why do you ask ?

Me : i just wondered , i thought you may have met the < family name removed etc.. >, especially as  OFSTED   havent been down here for two years.

at this point, my reviewer went pale, paperwork got shuffled, the previously noisy office went quiet.

Reviewer : i`ll tell you what, there is no need for you to come in to the office anymore, we can do this over the phone. 

feel free to draw your own conclusions.

thanks for reading, i`m off to make some soap.

Tea and Chocolate

i only need to see the word "chocolate " my mouth starts watering. 

if you ask me, its the food of the gods, imagine a world without it ?

sorry, that was uncalled for.

Now then, chocolate covered fingers look like this....

mmm, look good dont they ?

i know,, i want one too,, but i havent got any and the stores are closed.

another of one of life`s pleasures is a cup of tea.

i could write plenty on the subject and, believe me, i intend to.

...but not at the moment.

now then, here`s the good bit....

1 . have a nibble on both ends of your chocolate finger.

2. use it like a straw to drink the tea. ( put some effort in,, it`s worth it.)

3. when you feel the tea reach your lips, immediately eat the chocolate.

it helps if you cool your chocolate biscuit first, and notice the word "immediately".

yr welcome.

thanks for reading

Nutshell TV Review #1

House.

Thats him, Dr Gregory House, but to say it properly, it needs space. . like this.

~    House    ~

any fans of Family Guy will immediately think, Road-House. I know i always do.

anyhoo, down to business.

Show usually  begins with people you`ve not seen before, so you just know that someone is going to get ill. - a bit like the old star trek when you dont recognise one member of the landing party.

Initial guesses are made by the medical team.

House says Lupus.

Tests are done, patient recovers a little.

Quirky sub-plot ensues.

House goes out of his way to be a pain in the ass.

Patient gets ill again.

Quirky sub-plot influences the team.

Ugly doctor  : " it`s a poison or toxin or bad sandwhiches and why did my wife leave me  "

Beautiful doctor  :  " I have issues "

Bland but intriguing doctor :  "  i find none of you attractive, i`m going to get sacked arent i ? "

House : " it`s Lupus "

2 doctors search the house of poorly for clues., house pretends to grovel to boss, boss gives house more clinic hours.

everyone but house  :  " we know whats wrong with the patient, aint we great. ?  "

2 doctors converse over the patient while giving treatment.

Patient gets really ill.

quirky sub-plot turns out to be the biggest clue.

House limps into shot and announces how stupid we all are, it was the airport lobby shampoo after all.

8 series in and still going strong,, if you`ve not seen it before, think Sherlock Homes and Columbo had a love child and.... no. i think i`ll stop there.

see you next time on Nutshell TV Review : breaking it down so you dont have to.

thanks for reading.